027 463 9229
Juelle Hunt
Naturopath & Medical Herbalist
Vibrational Energy Therapist
(09) 2357658 or 027 463 9229

21.02.18 (#13)

Intimacy a Gamechanger

Intimacy is the New Sexual Revolution


Please note that this blog is not intended to be explicit or to offend but if you are sensitive to this content, my advice don't read it.


For many gals and guys out there intimacy is a problem and for those of you who know me and have visited my Naturopathic practice you will know sex, sexual challenges, libido, performance issues, love and intimacy are all open for discussion with many questions featured on my health questionnaire.  Why cause having a healthy and intimate love life is just as important as having a healthy body and mind and they are all interconnected to give us our Zen.

More and more I hear comments from my clients when we talk about their love life, sex is OK, it doesn’t feature, it’s something I do to please my partner, I have no libido, I am embarrassed of my body, can’t perform as well as I would like, I am too stressed, too tired, I just go through the act of doing it, I don’t orgasm, I pretend to orgasm, I have relationship or emotional issues, I am too fat, I am too old, sex is boring, not enough foreplay ...you get the picture.

Now let’s just put it out there, of course there are genuine reasons why people are not connected so well in the bedroom, medical issues, pregnancy or post pregnancy can be an issue for the ladies and stress and relationship issues are the major barriers that I see showing up in my clinic.

New Sexual Revolution

The founder of the Festival of Togetherness, Adam Wilder  states, that  there is a New Sexual Revolution and says there is still much we need to understand about sex, the missing ingredient is intimacy, “ He says sex has been centre-stage in the Western culture for decades, but what is absent and is the magic element that makes it all meaningful  - intimacy”.    “We are looking at how different kinds of intimacy can make your life juicer”. (Wilder 2018).

It’s a deep connection that you share with someone that can be platonic or sexual, you can have sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex.

Many people seem to be wildly confused about what intimacy really is, some think it is sex and purely a physical thing, ‘sex’ and ‘intimacy’ are often used interchangeably but they are uniquely different. 

Sex is intercourse that is hopefully leading you to have gratifying sexual experiences resulting in the orgasm.  It is the view of some that having that closeness and intimacy can and does lead to having great sex or on the other side of the coin having good sex to start with can lead to a good intimate relationship - I say whatever works for you.

Intimacy is often fondly remembered as the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the relationship – when you are all loved up but soon fades, it’s natural that it fades right?, hell no, it is my feeling that intimacy may rise and wane like the moon but your gotta work to keep that beautiful closeness alive. 

Intimacy is sometimes that next phase in your relationship and of course each relationship is unique, having that deeper knowledge of the other person, keeping that spark alive, like seeing her with no makeup and looking rough in the morning and still wanting to make love to her.  His smell when he is sweaty that turns you on, sharing openly your feelings your hopes and dreams and aspirations, vulnerabilities and fears, knowing deep down what makes each other tick, understanding each other’s triggers, knowing what makes her cry and whether that is a good thing or bad thing, I didn’t say it was easy it takes effort.

Physical & Sexual Intimacy
Are not the same thing.  Being affectionate to someone includes that loving embrace before you sleep, the kiss in the morning when you wake, cuddling in your favourite space, holding hands or a nice massage. 

Emotional intimacy
Is trust, intuition support of your emotional state and deeply understanding each other, this is really important in times of stress and the ups and downs of life, being able to empathise and comfort each other emotionally is really important to build longevity in a relationship.  Safety and trust are key!  Emotional intelligence/emotional communication do play an important role in having a loving and satisfying relationship and the ability to understand yourself, your perceptions, being self aware or your emotional states and those of your partner.

Mental Intimacy
My view on mental intimacy is to be open and able to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings, ideas, opinions, seeing each other’s points of view can lead to intellectual stimulation, being interested and caring about your love ones thoughts and what motivates them in the world.  I also view mental intimacy as a supercharged form of foreplay, the deep glance across the room, the undressing with the eyes, that look, pure mental lubrication.

Spiritual Intimacy
Some people may view this in a religious sense, I feel for me personally this is a real place of strength in a relationship, being inspired by those beautiful moments you spend with someone you care about, you know when you are really connected, feeling part of something greater.  Exploring the deeper questions and connections in life and sharing those awesome moments together being truly present with each other can bring soul connection and fulfilment.

Sexual Intimacy
Oh my favourite topic in this blog, now I am no Love Guru but I have learnt a thing or two from my own personal experiences (not sharing), observation, what others have been happy to share with me and some of those love gurus out there in the world.

I feel that it comes down to respect, openness, honesty, trust, and the willingness to share your vulnerabilities with each other, taking off the mask we hide behind, some people find this truly scary.  When you can master this you are connecting as ‘one’, this takes us to an orgasmic experience like no other and an enriched relationship with real togetherness. 

So what stops us from being sexually intimate with each other, I will explore the most significant reasons that I have found that kills that vibe.

Inhibition the Intimacy killer
Number one in my book and there are some common themes.  Sometimes we have hang ups purely based on how we have been raised, we can be conscious or unconscious of this, negative influences or experiences can come into play such as sexual abuse, societies expectations and revelations about appropriate sexual behaviour – you know the “good girl syndrome” it’s not acceptable to be experimental, dress up, do fantasy, masturbate, giving oral or other sex acts that do not conform to societies norm OK, pulling back but you get the idea.  Both men and women can often experience guilt or shame about performing sexual acts as well as the shape and size of their bodies and sexual organs.  This is reflected in the open and honest communication I have had with some of my clients who tell me they are ashamed of their bodies and are too frightened or embarrassed resulting in insercurity.  This is and can be a barrier to articulating their real desires in the bedroom that could open them up to experience real intimacy. 

I say how ‘passe’ release those inhibitions and experience the true sexual revolution and enjoy orgasmic intimacy.

Love Communication
Whether you have been with someone for the first time or a long time love communication is super important.  Ask your partner what they would like you to do, draw out their deeper inner desires and needs, talk openly about what you like and don’t like this can help you to feel safe to engage in your favourite desires without slipping over into sexual activities that you are not comfortable with.

Fear around communicating your desires can be an issue for many people.   I have explored some of the common reasons why people feel reluctant to articulate their desires.  I ask “What would stop you from exploring your partners body the way you want to?”  Well people have different scales or views on sexual activity, I am a bit worried if I tell them they will think I am a pervert, stupid, weird, a slut, promiscuous, have strange preferences, fear of rejection, like how do I know what is normal for them, we totally might not be on the same page  Well, well it goes back to honest communication, opening up yourself and yes this can make you feel very vulnerable having those conversations might feel uncomfortable to start with but these will dissolve as passion and desires are realized and awakened, trust me it’s worth it.

Of course words can just get in the way sometimes and communication with your body and eyes is so powerful, when is the last time you looked into your lovers eyes at the point of orgasm?  Watching and feeling their movements and body language as you explore their body, sounds like fun and so they say a picture paints a thousand words.

Awakening the Desire
The business end of this blog, so if you are in a new relationship and looking to keep that intimacy spark alive, take time to really get to know that person and work on a good connection.  Be present and aware of their needs, fears, likes, dislikes and  If you or your partner are shy or a little insecure have the patience and guide each other through this experience, be open and share your own vulnerabilities and this may help to dissolve fears and build trust. 

If you are looking to rekindle intimacy in a long-term relationship, open communication is so key, if you have relationship issues that are difficult to overcome, get professional help, there are some fantastic relationship weekends encompassing some playful and enjoyable activities to rekindle and kickstart that passion. 

I like this one, mental lubrication, yes the mind is the master of love, sex, intimacy and a little lubrication can’t hurt, making the effort to sit somewhere in a romantic setting  under the stars,  setting the intention that may lead to intimacy, a date night,  a little dinner, couple of drinks can be a good leg opener, too many not so much.  Or for something a little hotter visual or written erotica can get you into the right headspace, not for everyone though, a bit of lingerie ladies, especially if you are a bit shy about the body, mood lighting can help with this (clothes on sex in the dark – mood killer), sex toys if that works for you.  Some of the most simple things can be intoxicating, I find music does this for me, having a bath together, enjoying a good night out and relaxing together is great, did I mention a couple of drinks.

Be genuine about your intentions, start with slow and meaningful explorations, they don’t all have to be of a sexual nature, start with passionate kissing this is probably where you started and a good place to start again.

There is slow touching or hot touching.  Make an effort to find out what your partner would like you to do to turn them on, look for queues, body language movement that indicates enjoyment. Sometimes you are going to have to put your lover first to gain that trust and to engage them in pure enjoyment.

My personal tips

Foreplay and more foreplay - yes, yes and yes to that, touch each other lots, I am not going to delve into foreplay here but it is one of the most common complaints that I hear from the ladies is they don’t get enough, foreplay comes in many forms of pleasure so if you are your asking your partner for more then be prepared to open yourself up to experimentation, if you have inhibitions work through them.   Complaints from the guys too much foreplay can lead to premature ejaculation and embarrassment – there is a pretty good solution to this guys masturbate one to two hours beforehand mostly does the trick.  If this doesn’t work you are probably not getting enough regular lovin.

When being intimate communicate with each other, talk to each other, use your body language to communicate, guide your lover, connect and take off that mask, look deeply into the eyes.

Personal devices, smartphone, tablets, laptops - are eroding interpersonal personal communication, and an effective way of avoidance.  Ever heard of AFLD, (Alcohol Free Days?), what about PDFT (Personal Free Device Time). Work time is work time, play time is play time, take time to talk to each other.

Get out of autopilot and try something new sometimes you don’t know what you like until you experience it.

You don’t need to force or expect intimacy every time, sometimes hot sex is good and it hits the spot.

Be present and forget about those expected sexual positions if you are present and engaged in real intimacy positions go out the window and deep connected rhythmic flow just happens, it’s natural, exciting, spontaneous and rewarding.

Intimacy is an art and like any good art you have to nurture and grow that talent.